I write this to you in the hopes that I will be inspired. I have dedicated the upcoming month to rectify our relationship, which has become sporadic. Lost. I apologise for the times when I haven't given myself over to you, due to the fact that at times I cannot even harvest enough confidence in myself to share out to your waiting and blank stare.
This year, I ignored the anniversary of death. I could tell it was why I was vacant this past month. February is never going to be good to me from now on, even when I avoid it. Darkness looms over me, as it did this year and will continue to. But it is also the reason why I need to tend to you and continue to write.
I hope March can be our saving grace, for all it's worth.
at 7:30 pm
i have grown to love barbados much more so than i ever used to. i've learnt how extensive and expansive the value and definition of family is, it is the initial network - the blood network - the first friends and loves and associates. it spills across continents, countries, time zones and skin colour. and i am very happy to be part of mine.
then there are the networks of people i have forged all on my own. i am very happy about those too. being a giving and supportive person sometimes means that people can't reciprocate it back to you - they might not be able to, they might not want to - if its the latter, you let 'em go.
i have to return to london in a few weeks, back to reality and noise and confrontation and stress and the loss. i love that city but i will sorely miss the serene of the caribbean. not having to make friends, to talk solely only to people who share my blood, to forget rent, to write, to wash my skin in the sea, to watch watercolour sunsets from my rooftop, to get disgustingly addicted to days of our lives, to not worry, to not care.
i feel like i've slipped into the pocket of the world. i am still all my tissue, still covered in remnants of snot but getting softer with age as i rub against life as it continues to move onwards. i want to stay there until an inquisitive hand fishes me out and holds my hard, curled up mould in its palm.
i buried a great man here
and when i return i must take his place
at 3:29 am
I'd rather the people I love be happy, and that can be only found within someone else. I'm bad at being selfish and I find jealousy is an easy pill to swallow. That used to work as a successful formula for a relationship but then you add in financial stress, career stagnancy, general depression and a need to reassess and it's a perfect cocktail for independence.
The positive truths outweigh everything else with this equation though. From being at the brink of asking a doctor for an assessment, I stop resisting and took the organic route. It came in stages though. Phase one was allowing my relationship to fall apart, begin the move back home and to lose my demanding yet unpaid job. From there I began a fresh and lighter relationship and acquired a simple (and most importantly) paid job. Then I began to pay off the final months worth of rent - an ordeal I achieved just before Christmas 2012.
Then that phase ended, as it had to. I realised I didn't want to fall into the comfort of an easier life just because the first attempt of my challenge had been too much. I tried my best to pull away from the relationship, painfully ripping apart the roots that had begun to settle and bond. I started being late for work, claiming sick days when the reality was I was sitting fully clothed at the edge of my bed - unable to leave.
I begun to devise a plan to leave the country. "I want to move to Barbados" I told my mother, "Let's go on a summer trip!" I told my friend, "I need to get out of here" I told my ex.
Phase two was hard but with a vague idea of what I wanted to do I dragged myself along. Motivation slipped and slumped at a constant decline and distance begun to aid my relationship to fade into an understanding friendship. It is February when I realise I must start reaffirming the strength of my own company. Since, it hadn't been truly tested for 4 years.
I go to places no one else wants to accompany to, I strike up conversations with strangers, I take myself out to eat, I restructure my social circles - redistributing the burdens often cast upon your other half. The things still too heavy to make my friends responsible for, I assign to myself.
But I make it sound controlled and sensible. People present during that point may remember moments of horrorsome textual abuse, harsh words for futile situations, a catwalk through all my most awkward personalities, moments of silence and broken promises or the annoying jovial face of my outside persona blocking the doorway to the words "Are you ok?"
I was scraping by at work atop of a sea of lies about my absences (the use of "I have no explanation" became more frequent as the months lead on) until I had reached my ticket purchasing deadline.
I wrote down everyone I knew who lived abroad, asked politely for a place to stay, awaited responses and worked out a route to Barbados. No one was coming with me anymore so the possibilities grew. An old friend in Washington, perhaps? A fortnight of uncertainty in LA, why not?
Booked. Phase three.
Filled with excitement, fear, still low levels of motivation but life became happier. I was working towards leaving. "Everyday is a good day now I know I'm leaving!" I told my ex.
I started etching out a few goals - I want an internship (this time unpaid is justified), I want to make new friends, I want to write, I want to be happy every day.
I had now found myself in a game of dodgeball from potential mates. I manoeuvred through advancements and soldered friendships - like holding down a tantrum ridden child until they give in. Sexless and happier for it, love manifesting stronger platonically. I was my new best friend.
This all being said, all the problems of phase two still lingered. There were nights spent alone crying or smoking myself into comas whilst listening to streams of music - a necessary evil needed to expunge the natural levels of jealousy. That's when I learned the people I loved weren't the people I could see myself in a relationship with. Actually, I couldn't see anyone - which flagged up alarm bells.
at 8:49 pm
smoking weed as of recent has been making me disgustingly paranoid. fortunately, the ability to dismiss the nonsensical thoughts is still apparent - but they are so loud within my thoughts that even though I can dismiss them, I cannot decipher what actually is going on. it's like smelling pizza when you know pizza isn't being made and finding yourself in a pickle as to what exactly is being cooked right in front of your eyes if it's not the pizza you can smell but isn't being made.